


Of All The Things We Were Before

by stellvesrawr



Category: SB19 (Band)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, New Year's Fluff, New Year's Kiss, Romantic Fluff, SJNYKiss
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:40:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28444050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellvesrawr/pseuds/stellvesrawr
Summary: Before the year ends, ex-lovers Stell and Sejun decided to give themselves some closure and make amends.As the night blooms, they were once again reminded of the things they were before.
Relationships: Stellvester "Stell" Ajero/John Paulo Nase | Sejun
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	Of All The Things We Were Before

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm not really fond of writing narratives but I did my best to pull this off. Comments are appreciated! Enjoy reading :)
> 
> P.S. Medium used is a mix of Filipino and English.

Stell's Point of View

Maingay. Magarbo. Masaya.

Halos hindi magkamayaw ang mga tao sa paghahanda para salubungin ang panibagong taon. I would be too - if only I wasn't in this situation.

Bata pa lang ako, itinuro na sa akin ng mga magulang ko na ang pagsalubong sa bagong taon ay pagsalubong sa panibagong simula. Kaya naman kailangan, kasabay ng pagharap dito ay ang pagwaksi sa mapapait at masasamang alaala na kinaharap mo.

That's mainly the reason why I'm here.

In front of his doorstep.

Ready to make amends to have a fresh start.

"Hi," bati ko sa kanya. Nakahilig ito sa pinto at mataman ang tingin sa akin, "Kanina ka pa?"

Tumambad sa pagdating ko si Sejun. He was wearing a plain black shirt and some fitted jeans; something uncommon for him who loves oversized and baggy clothes. He looked good either way anyway. But no, I'm not going to tell him that. I won't satisfy his ego by telling how much he looked and smelled good tonight.

Fuck. The night is still young and I am already fucking failing.

He shrugged his shoulders, "Not really," he answered. His eyes went down to the box that I am holding, "That is a lot." he pointed out.

"Well, you tend to forget a lot too."

"Hey! That is not true!" depensa niya, "I'm just tired, that's all."

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. Typical Sejun. The one who never lets someone other than him win.

"Whatever," I mumbled, "Tatayo na lang ba tayo? Hindi mo ba ako papapasukin?"

His eyes widened and stood straight, "Right. I'm sorry I got distracted," he answered and opened the door. He extended his hands in front of me and offered, "Let me help you with that."

I smiled and uttered a small 'thanks'. Typical Sejun too. Just the gentleman that he actually is.

Agad akong namangha pagkapasok ko. There were few decorations and even a small Christmas tree on top of a small table. With handmade "Happy New Year" banners and small ornaments all over the place.

Knowing Sejun, this must have been draining for him. He's not the type to cook - let alone decorate for the holidays. His lazy ass just couldn't handle exerting effort for these occasions. Sabi niya kasi, aksaya lang sa oras at pera ang paghahanda para sa mga okasyon. Kasi nga raw, 'It's just a one-time thing' at masasayang lang din ang lahat ng paghahanda pagkatapos ng isang araw. Baka nga napillitan lang siya sa kasunduan naming magkita bago sumapit ang bagong taon para magbalikan ng gamit. Pitong buwan na rin kasi ang nakalipas mula nang maghiwalay kami. Siguro naman, sapat na ang ilang buwan na 'yon para bigyan ang mga sarili namin ng oras bago harapin ang isa't-isa.

"Himala, marunong ka pala mag-ayos ng decorations?" pang-aasar ko sa kanya matapos niyang ilapag ang dala kong kahon. I smirked at him and said, "You even have a Christmas tree here."

Namula ang mukha nito. Agad niyang iniwas sa akin ang tingin at hindi ko na napigilan pang matawa nang bahagya sa reaksiyon niya. Hindi pa rin siya nagbabago. Namumula pa rin kapag inaasar o kaya napipikon.

Sa kalagitnaan ng pagsipat ko sa mga palamuting inilagay niya, bigla siyang nagsalita, "You always told me to buy one so I did."

Napatigil ako sa ginagawa. Hindi ko inalis ang tingin ko sa pader dahil pakiramdam ko, maiiyak lang ako kapag hinarap siya.

Because he always does this. Making me feel like I'm on cloud nine and then throws me off whenever he feels like it.

And I am not going to let all the courage I mustered up to face him go into waste.

I fake coughed, "Tubig. Oo, tubig. Iinom ako."

Hindi ko na siya hinintay pang sumagot at dumiretso na sa kusina. Uminom ako ng tubig at pinaypayan ang sarili ko. Tangina, bakit biglang uminit dito? Hindi niya naman ata pinatay ang aircon, hindi ba?

I took deep breaths. Shit, Stell! It's only been what? 20 minutes and you're about to give up everything you've done to move on and face him? Hell no. You're better than this.

Hindi ako marupok.

"Okay ka lang, Stell?"

Tangina.

I screw my eyes shut for a second before facing him. And with a smile I told him, "Of course! Bakit naman ako hindi magiging okay? I'm more than fine!"

"Geez, you don't have to be extra about it."

We were immediately disrupted by three subtle knocks. He took one last glance at me and said, "Nandyan na ata 'yong food. Wait a second."

I let out a huge sigh when he went towards the door. I can even feel my heart racing because of the sudden tension I felt. Screw these banners!

Bakit ba kasi naghanda pa siya? He makes this harder for me.

"Tadah!"

Pagkatapos naming ihanda ang mesa para sa aming dalawa, hindi na kami nag-atubili pang kumain na. It's past 10 PM and the noise outside is getting louder as the night blooms.

My mouth almost watered because of the food served in front of me. All of them look delicious! I can't even feel my face because of the huge grin plastered on it by now.

Then I heard him chuckle, "Hindi ka pa rin talaga nagbabago. Matakaw ka pa rin!" pang-aasar niya.

I scoffed at him, "Excuse me, Sejun?" hindi makapaniwala kong sabi.

He smirked and leaned his face towards me even if we're sitting across each other, "Yes, Stell? May reklamo ka ba?"

Kinuha ko ang tinidor at itinutok sa kanya. He immediately raised his hands up and straightened his sit. I squinted my eyes at him and snickered, "Ang kapal ng mukha mo. Ikaw nga umorder nitong lahat. Ang dami-dami nito! Napakatakaw mo talaga tapos sa'kin mo pa ipapasa 'yang katakawan mo!"

"Because I've known you for having a huge appetite," he grumbles; giving out a cheeky smile in the end, "Minutes from now, your cheeks are going to be puffy from all the food you're going to indulge in one bite."

"Aba, tang-"

"Stell, no cursing at the dining table, remember?"

I glared at him and just focused on my plate. Tarantadong 'to! I was the one who taught him that! Siya nga 'tong laging nagmumura noon dahil ayaw niya talagang mag-celebrate. Ang kapal talaga ng mukha nito!

"Stell,"

"Ano na naman?!" singhal ko.

He looked at me in amusement and tried to stifle a laugh. He pointed out my plate, "Gutay-gutay na 'yong manok oh? Luto na 'yan, Stell. 'Wag mo naman gawing double dead 'yan."

"Huh?"

Napabitaw ako sa hawak na tinidor. Hindi ko napansin na kanina ko pa pala pinanggigigilan ang manok na nasa harap ko.

I looked at Sejun and he's damn close to laughing hysterically. I just cleared my throat and crossed my arms over my chest, "S-Salad na lang ang kakainin ko. Diet ako."

And as if on cue, he started laughing; even tapping the table as if I told him the funniest joke he's ever heard.

I rolled my eyes at him and went towards the kitchen to get myself a small bowl for the fruit salad. I took it out the fridge and lazily scooped some for me to dig in.

"Sure ka salad lang kakainin mo? Ang dami nito oh! I even ordered lasagna."

"Heh! Manahimik ka na lang dyan!"

He shrugged his shoulders and muttered, "Okay. Sabi mo eh. Basta inalok kita ah?" He even pouted while saying, "Sayang naman. Favorite mo pa naman 'tong mga 'to. Pero sige, kaya ko naman ubusin 'tong lahat."

Gagong 'to. Nang-iinis pa.

Padarag kong hinila ang upuan at saka umupo. At kung 'di ba naman gago 'tong si Sejun, talagang nang-iinggit pa sa'kin na para bang nanonood ako ng mukbang in real life.

"Ugh, ang sarap ng buttered shrimp." he exaggerately said, letting fake loud moans and all.

"Eww! 'Wag ka nga umungol! Nakakahiya ka."

"Sus," pang-iinis niya, "Miss mo lang eh."

I took the table napkin and harshly threw it on him, "Kadiri ka! Ang bastos mo!"

"I meant the shrimp!" agap niya pagkasalo ng ibinato ko. He laughed, "But I think what's on your mind is a whole lot better."

I huffed and did not bother to answer. Kita ko ang mga pasimpleng tingin niya sabay ngiti habang kumakain ako ng fruit salad.

The dinner was fantastic; please take note of the sarcasm. The bowl of fruit salad did not serve any justice to my growling stomach. If only that Sejun did not piss me off, I would've gotten a hold of every damn food on that table. I can't believe I only ate a bowl of salad! I did not travel for about an hour just for a damn salad!

"Nasaan na 'yong mga gamit ko?" saad ko pagtapos naming magligpit ng pinagkainan. "Isang oras na lang, bagong taon na. I need to get back home."

He frowned, "You won't stay here for the night?"

"Asa ka."

He hummed in response and nodded. He made a dramatic exit by stomping heavily towards his room. I chuckled at the sight. 

What a fucking baby.

Bumalik siya dala ang isang medium-sized box. I extended my arms and said, "Akin na."

He was about to give it to me when he took it back and hid it behind him, "Wait! Check ko muna 'yong mga gamit na nasa box. Baka may kinuha ka eh."

"Ang kapal ng mukha mo! Anong tingin mo sa'kin? Magnanakaw?" bulyaw ko sa kanya, "Ano namang nanakawin ko sa gamit mo? Iyang brief mo na bacon?!"

"Hoy!" natatawa niyang sabi, "Baka nga inaamoy mo 'yon simula nang magbreak tayo eh."

"Kadiri ka talaga!"

After seconds of bickering and Sejun being the childish brat he is, I gave in to his request. We sat on the couch and opened his box as if we're doing a shopping haul or something.

"Wow," mangha niyang sabi, "Organized."

I smirked, "Naman."

He took something out of the box. It was his yellow windbreaker from last Christmas, "Hala, bakit nandito 'to? Binigay ko na 'to sa'yo eh."

My brows furrowed, "Hindi kaya!"

"But you wear it all the time," sambit niya, "And I let you wear it because you love it so much. Sa'yo na 'to eh." dagdag pa nito at itinaas ito.

Iniwas ko naman agad ang tingin ko at inabala na lang ang sarili ko sa box niya, "Check mo, baka may kulang nga." sabi ko na lang.

He stared at me for a minute before letting it go. I felt a huge lump on my throat as I stared at him unboxing his things. It was as if we're reliving all the memories we had.

And I guess, I do miss those memories.

And I do miss Sejun.

"Hair clips!" natatawa niyang bigkas at itinaas pa ang mga hair clips na binili ko talaga para sa kanya, "Binili mo?"

"Hindi. Ninakaw ko."

He chuckled and playfully punched my shoulder, "Ikaw ha? Dami mong alam."

"Ano 'to? May brief pa!"

"Oo kasi nga puro bacon na brief mo!"

"Hoy grabe ka, hindi kaya!"

"Sus."

The night went on by us teasing each other about the things I bought him. Halos kalahati na ng box ang nauungkat namin at puro mga binili ko pa lang para sa kanya ang nakukuha namin bukod sa windbreaker.

Sinipat niyang muli ang laman ng box at saka kinalkal ito, "Kaya pala ang laki eh. Ang dami mo pa lang binili para sa akin."

"Oo. Pinabarang ko muna 'yong mga gamit na binili ko. Dinamihan ko na para effective."

"Grabe!" saad niya habang tumatawa, "Sabihin mo na lang na may concern ka sa well-being ko."

"Ulol."

Mayroon na naman siyang kinuha mula sa kahon. His face lit up at what he saw, "Our first polaroid photo!" masigla niyang sambit at iniharap pa sa akin ang litrato.

I smiled bitterly at the sight. I can clearly remember what happened during that day.

Natatandaan ko pa kung paano ko hinila si Sejun para lang magkaroon kami ng litrato sa instax ko. Tanda ko pa kung gaano kapula ang mukha niya nang magpasuyo siya sa ibang tao na kunan kami ng litrato. Tanda ko pa kung paano siya ngumiti, sa unang pagkakataon.

Tandang-tanda ko pa ang lahat.

He sighed, "Nakakamiss."

Tama ka. Nakakamiss.

Palihim kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko kahit na nakita niya naman na sigurong pumatak ang mga ito, "Check mo! Marami pang gamit dyan."

He cleared his throat and laughed, "Ayaw mo atang ibigay 'to sa'kin eh. Umiiyak ka oh."

"Hindi ah!"

"Sus. Aminin mo na," sambit niya, "Buti na lang, hindi ako mabilis umiyak."

I playfully slapped his arm, "Tanga! Umiiyak ako kasi hindi ako makapaniwalang-"

"Makapaniwalang ano? Naging tayo?"

"Na pinatulan kita! Bobo!"

Tumawa na lang siya at kinalkal muli ang loob ng kahon, "Sabihin mo na lang na naaakit ka pa rin sa'kin." 

"Tanga, 'wag kang assuming!" singhal ko naman sa kanya. I am just avoiding his gaze as my tears started to fall down. Fucking tears. Parang gripo. Hindi na natigil.

Nagulat ako nang bigla na lang tumahimik. Kaya naman tinignan ko na siya at agad na namataang tulala si Sejun habang nakatingin lang sa loob ng kahon, "Hey. Okay ka lang?" tanong ko sa kanya.

He was not moving and it made me panic. Just when I was about to ask him what's wrong, I heard him sniff. "Bakit ka umiiyak?"

Agad siyang tumawa at saka pinalis ang mumunting luha na namumuo sa mga mata niya, "Wala. Napuwing lang ako."

I frowned as I looked at him. Kinuha niya naman ang laman ng kahon at pakiramdam ko, maging ako ay mas lalo pang maiiyak. "Grabe. Pati si Stelele, ibabalik mo." I can feel a hard pinch on my chest when his voice broke. He tried to pacify himself as his tears went out nonstop, "P-Pati ba naman si Stelele."

Parang nadudurog ang puso ko habang tinitignan siya sa ganitong estado. Iyak lang siya nang iyak habang hawak ang ukelele na dahilan kung bakit kami nagkakilala.

"Remember how we first met?" I started mumbling, "Pasko no'n. Last stock na ng shop 'yong ganitong design tapos pareho nating gustong bilhin 'tong ukelele na 'to."

He laughed in between his sobs, "Yeah. You were so obnoxious! Hindi ka naman marunong, bibili ka pa ng ukelele!"

Napatawa na rin ako, "And you were so cocky and rude! Kaya nga ako bibili eh. Para matuto. Dumb ass."

Both of us laughed at that memory. I can still picture out both of us bickering for almost an hour just to get a hold of that ukelele. In the end, he gave in. He let me buy the instrument. And I really felt bad when I saw him frown as I paid for it. He wanted it so much that it made me run after him to ask him if he can teach me how to play. He hesitated at first, but he just rolled his eyes at me and agreed to my idea. Maybe he thought I was doing it for myself. But little does he know that I did him just so he could somehow own the ukelele as well. And it was nice to see him at ease whenever he was holding the instrument. That is also probably the reason why I included it in the box.

"Wala ka ngang binigay na talent fee eh," reklamo niya, "Pasalamat ka, ang bilis mo matuto."

I smiled proudly, "Galing ng mentor ko eh."

Minutes passed by and Sejun almost emptied his box. Pero kahit na ang dami niyang nilalabas na gamit, hawak-hawak niya pa rin si Stelele na para bang mababasag ito kapag binitawan niya.

"I'm sorry."

I was taken aback when he said that. Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanya at saka tumawa nang mahina, "Para saan?"

"Sorry kasi wala ako no'ng mga panahong kailangan mo ko," mahina niyang sabi, "Sorry for not being able to hug you when you felt like the whole world is against you."

I laughed subtly, trying to choke the sobs that are about to escape, "It's nothing. Ano ka ba? You were busy that time. Your world doesn't need to revolve around me. I was a fool for not understanding you enough." I stated and smiled at him, "Hindi mo naman kasalanan na natalo ako sa competition. It was all on me."

"But you needed me back then."

"Yes. And I hated you for not being around," tapat kong sabi, "But as time goes by, I realized that if I just didn't let my emotions get through me and tried to actually hear your reasons, maybe we were still intact."

He reached out for my hand, rubbing them lightly with his, "Stop blaming yourself."

I felt a pang of pain in my chest as he tried to console me. It was the truth though. If only I was rational enough, we would not break up.

If only I was a bit stronger. If only we were a bit stronger. Then maybe, just maybe, we still would have been together.

My alarm rang and startled me for a bit. Saved by the bell. "Shoot. Ten minutes na lang, bagong taon na. I need to get home."

Nagmamadali kong inayos ang mga gamit ko at kinuha ang kahong binigay niya sa akin. Akmang aalis na ako nang naramdaman ko ang paghawak ni Sejun sa kamay ko. Napahinto ako at napatingin sa kanya, "Bakit?"

"Stell, dito ka na lang ulit."

"Sejun, I really need to-"

Natigil ang pagsasalita ko sa bigla niyang paghila sa'kin pababa at palapit sa kanya. Parang isang bata na ipinulupot niya ang mga kamay sa braso ko, "Please, Stell."

I sighed and faced him, "Sej, kaya nga ako nandito 'di ba? To give ourselves one last shot at happiness. Don't you want that, Sej?"

"I do, Stell." bulong niya, "Am I not your happiness anymore? Tell me that I am not and I will let you go. Completely. Just fucking tell me."

We probably look like fools as we stared into each other's eyes, breathing heavily as we were lost into our own worlds.

The noises outside couldn't even compare to the loud beating of my heart, "Tell me."

I averted his gaze and looked at the clock.

Isang minuto na lang.

Last one minute before the year ends.

I could just tell him that I don't want him, drive back to my place and totally move on.

Only if it was that easy.

Only if it's not Sejun.

All my life, I've been reserved and made things according to my plan. Tonight, the plan was to give back his things, talk things through, move on and take steps forward without him.

Pero sa mga oras na 'to, para bang may sariling isip ang mga labi ko. Para bang hindi na nito sinusunod ang dinidikta ng isip ko.

Sa gabing 'to, siya lang. Kami lang dalawa. At para bang kahit na anong pigil ng isip ko, dito at dito pa rin ako babalik.

And by that, I looked at him and said, "There's one more thing I'd like to give."

My eyes wandered his features. It was cute to see him taken aback and totally lost. He was always the one on top of me, taking things in control, being the one dominant.

But tonight, I just want to take the lead.

Completely dropping my reservations, my hands went to his nape as I leaned towards him, "Happy new year, Sej."

And even before the clock strikes 12, I placed my lips on top of his, closing the gap between us.

I can feel my heart racing when his lips touched mine. And I wonder if he felt it too when his hands started to roam around my chest. Without any of us talking, it felt as if we're the only people existing in this god damn world.

Na para bang hinulma kami para sa isa't-isa.

Na para bang para kami sa isa't-isa.

"If you don't stop now, I won't be able to fucking stop either." he breathed, almost panting from all the kissing we did. His lips got even more plump and it made me want to kiss him more.

"Do you want to stop, Sej?"

"I don't."

"Then don't."

Because no matter how hard it was before, it would always be him. He already marked whatever I'm made of. And all I could do is hope that this time, things will finally work out.

For all the things we were before, turned us into all the things we are about to become.

New year is always about a new start. And just like any other year, he's the only one I want to spend it with. 


End file.
